Seminal Shore

Persistent and nagging, a voice in the back of my head tells me I’m not doing enough.

You should be drawing. You should be writing. You should be looking for a job… Why aren’t you?

I’m sure this is partially due to our capitalist society that values “productivity.” Time not spent getting things done is wasted time. Laziness is a sin. I know that’s not fully why though, because the voice begs me to do the “unproductive” as well.

You never finished that game, why don’t you? You haven’t reached out to them in awhile, make plans. Why don’t you read those comics you got for Christmas?

I should be doing something, it whispers, anything at all. Often I’m stuck in inaction, thinking of all of the possible activities I could be doing. Things I truly want to do, not procrastinate. Creative work I’m passionate about is a constant one.

Depression makes it unbearable, but even now, being medicated and seeing a therapist, I still hear it. Debilitating dread prevented me in the past, but that is no longer the case; the tension remains with me. I’ve been practicing for the past year to get myself to do more, and I’ve made progress I can be proud of. The root of it isn’t depression, I’m sure though. If anything the voice is more insistent now than before.

23 years of life and I feel as though I haven’t really been living until now. Alive, sure, but not living how I would have wanted. Being queer, neurodivergent in some capacity, and incapable of imagining living into adulthood all have contributed to this. Now that I’m not in a struggle with mental health, understand who I want to be, or in a hazardous social situation, I’ve dared to dream a future for myself. Guilt is another reason for this voice. I feel as if I’ve wasted so much time. I know I can’t change the past and if I were able to do more at the time I could have, but I still mourn for my former self’s impotence. The voice is a slumbering hunger awakened. I finally want to live. And the tension is just growing pains. Hopefully I get better at satiating these desires, or learn to accept I’ll never have enough time to do all I wish to.